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Dating Trans Women & Figuring Out Your Own Sexuality

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Time for a frank discussion about gender and sexual orientation. Because most people are confused about these and a lot of other terms that deal with sexual attraction, romantic attractions, gender identity, and more.

Let’s Begin with Gender and Sexuality

Gender

Generally, a person is assigned a gender at birth – male or female. Gender assignment is primarily based on physical characteristics, but there are exceptions.

Cisgender

A cisgender person is one who is assigned as male or female at birth and continues to identify as that same gender for their lifetime, no matter who they may be romantically or sexually attracted to. Thus, girls and boys grow up to be women and men.

Intersex

Sometimes, infants are born with characteristics of both genders. In these instances, parents and doctors make a decision to assign one gender to the infant, and surgery follows to assign the agreed upon gender. The problem with this is that, later in life, the other gender characteristics may show up internally, and the individual then must come to terms with being what is termed intersex.

Transgender

Another issue with gender occurs when an individual is born one gender but experiences discomfort with and doubt about that gender, often from a very early age. They begin to identify as the opposite gender of their birth.

While research on what causes identity as the opposite gender is still ongoing, the academic discussion on gender is one of “nature vs. nurture” and it is believed that one or both can be contributing factors.

Nonbinary

This is a gender identity that is neither specific gender, often a mixture of the two genders. Some non-binaries change their gender back and forth over time. Others state they have no gender at all.

Sexual Orientation

Here is where things become a bit complicated. Sexual orientations refer to the individuals a person is romantically and/or sexually attracted to (or not). Here are the most common sexual orientations:

• Heterosexual: A heterosexual experiences physical attraction and/or romantic attraction to those of the opposite gender. Society and almost every religious community see this as normal and appropriate.
• Homosexual: A homosexual has sexual attraction and/or romantic attraction to those of the same sex. A homosexual may be male or female.
• Pansexual: This individual will experience sexual attraction to any and all people regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.
• Lesbian: This is someone who identifies as female and has a romantic and/or sexual attraction to other females
• Gay Man: This is a man who is attracted to the same gender and will pursue a sexual and/or romantic relationship with other men.
• Bisexual: A bisexual is an individual of any gender whose sexual orientation is a romantic and/or sexual attraction to the same gender or the opposite gender.
• Asexual: An asexual is someone who lacks sexual attraction to others, either the same gender or the opposite gender. They exist along a spectrum, and an asexual may feel attraction in some instances and at various levels. They often do feel romantically attracted to others.
• Aromantic: An aromantic is someone who does not feel romantically attracted, either to the same gender or opposite gender. While they may not have a romantic relationship, they can be sexually attracted to others.

When gender identity and sexual orientation are combined, there is just a myriad of possible combinations, except for a heterosexual of course. And this is by no means an exhaustive list of every sexuality within the LGBTQ+ community.

Now, the title of this article relates to a guy dating a trans lass and now has a genuine curiosity about “What’s my sexuality?” This guide may help with that as well as some of the issues you may face as you date a trans lady.

What’s Your Sexuality – A Quick Guide

A cis man has a definite gender. He is male. But sexuality is something that can fluctuate, so if you have concerns about your sexuality because you are dating transgender women, or even just one trans gal, the best advice is to relax. You have found an attractive person, and there is an attraction. It’s all good, and you have a right to the type of dating life you want.

Some Introductory Info to Start With

First of all, you are not alone. Many heterosexual men feel attraction to trans women. Some men are only attracted to trans gals. And many heterosexual men move back and forth, dating heterosexual cis gals and trans gals both. Consider, too the following:

• It is not abnormal to feel guilt, shame, or confusion. If you are feeling these things, admit them to yourself and to your girl, and then you will need to figure out how you will work through them. This guide can help.
• You may be concerned about what other people will think. You might want to think about this. Suppose you introduce your trans girl to your best friend or even other friends who are males. Are you going to say, “I’d like you to meet Julie, and by the way she is transgender”? Of course not! That would be a huge insult to a woman who is a whole person, who happens to be trans. How about, “I’d like you to meet Julie. She’s a professor at (name of college).” The point is she does exist and have a life aside from her gender.
• If you are loving and healthy relationship with a trans woman, that’s the important part. Who and how you decide to tell others about her gender is totally your decision to make together. Yes, she has to figure into that decision, and it should only be made after plenty of talking. She will have to live with the decision too, and it would be so wrong to do this on your own.

Guilt, Shame, and Confusion

These are the three most common feelings that men experience when they date trans ladies. Perhaps they have been watching movies or reading articles about the perils and issues of getting involved with trans people. Many of these are filled with myths about genders and sexuality.

• If you are feeling guilt, ask yourself why. Do you somehow doubt your manliness? Are there others you care about (family members, for example) who would disapprove? Does your religious upbringing tell you all of this is just wrong? Getting over what others think is tough, but the idea that you have to please others is an idea that they somehow have power over you.
• If you are feeling confusion, it’s natural. You are now questioning your sexuality. Are you still straight? Are you gay? Are you bisexual? Could you be pansexual? Maybe you should just focus on genders instead. You are male; your trans partner identifies as female. Trying to label your sexuality is sort of a “fool’s errand.” Why not just dump the need to put a label on your sexuality and just be the genders you both are. It doesn’t really matter, and the key is to feel comfortable in your own skin. It really is that simple. You don’t have to be straight, gay, bisexual or any other label – your sexuality is up to you and only you, as are your genders.
• If you are feeling shame, again, you must ask yourself why. Shame comes from guilt. So go back and read the bit about guilt above. The other part of shame is being ashamed of her. If this is a part of what you are feeling, then check yourself. You will have a tendency to treat her poorly and with lack of respect. If this is the case, you cannot hope to have a healthy connection, and it will be no surprise if she dumps you.

Respect – Required for Healthy Relationships

Setting your questions about sexuality aside for a bit, let’s talk about respect. Relationships can’t survive without it, and with trans females, it is just critical.

She has a history of experiences under her belt, many of which you can’t hope to understand unless you spend some quality time listening and really hearing what she wants to explain. That’s the first step in respect – listening and trying to put yourself in her shoes.

Discrimination

She has experienced both structured and unstructured discrimination. In 27 states, there are anti-transgender laws impacting everything from health care to bathroom use, to sports participation, and more. She can’t have story time with children in libraries. Books about her and other queer folks are banned from schools. Health insurance companies can deny gender-affirming care.

The lack of healthcare can be especially tough for those in the process of transitioning. Their bodies are changing, and they want to continue that change, whether it is hormone treatments or surgeries or a combination. These are costly, and finding a provider can be difficult.

Hostility and Violence

She must be very cautious when being out and about, especially on her own. If anyone suspects that she is trans, she can face verbal abuse and, in some circumstances, physical violence.

Social Isolation

If she has been “abandoned” by friends and/or family who don’t approve of her choice to be the opposite gender, she may be suffering from the effects of social isolation, especially if she has not formed connections with others and groups who provide support.

Mental Health Issues

All of these issues impact her mental well-being, and she may have some serious mental health issues. Is so, she deserves your help and support, and you should explore how you can do that. You need to get a clear sense of her challenges and issues, especially if you want any kind of future with her.

When you think about your issues of sexuality, wondering if you are still straight or now gay, they seem pretty minor compared to hers.

At the same time, your own mental health is important too. And guys who date trans girls have to confront their own mental health issues, even though they may seem minor compared to hers. If not resolved, they can grow into larger problems.

Caring For Your Own Mental Health

So here you are, connected with this person, and you are having all of those issues discussed above. One of the first questions you may be asking is, “Am I dating someone who is really the same gender as me, or do I accept that she is the opposite gender from me?” This whole issue of same gender and opposite gender is one that has probably come from some of the myths. And all of this guilt, shame, and confusion you may be experiencing can take its toll on your mental health too. Here are things you can do to help yourself stay mentally fit so that you can support and help her.

Educate Yourself

It’s time to hang out where trans people hang out. There are forums and chat rooms online. There are LGBTQ+ online dating services that have their own social media features where people of any gender and sexuality meet up, connect, post and discuss. Listen and learn. You won’t have to ask if you are dating the same gender of the opposite gender again. The issue of same gender or opposite gender will disappear, and you will clearly understand that you are not dating someone as the same gender as you. The entire confusion about genders will be resolved. You are not having sex with the same gender. As the saying goes, “the truth shall set you free,” and you will no longer be lost in lots of misinformation.

You will also get a good understanding of the challenges and issues that all trans people face, including your partner.

Getting the right education will relieve you from some of the confusion you may have been dealing with. And you will have met so many amazing trans people who will bolster you as you work through your issues and in turn help to bolster your partner.

Connect with Other Men Who Date Trans Gals

Yes, you can find them in some of the same places where you are educating yourself. Tap into their experiences and let them give you some advice on how you deal with your specific issues and challenges. They have “been there and done that,” and you will now be a member of a rather exclusive men’s “club.”

Get Professional Help if Needed

This goes for both you and your partner. You may both wish to have some sessions with a counselor or therapist separately and the opt for couples counseling.

Use LGBTQ+ resources to find a pro who is experienced and trans-friendly.

In the End…

This guide can serve to help you navigate through your dating experience(s) with trans gals, from that first kiss forward. And as that kiss turns into deeper feelings, remember these key points:

• Don’t try to define what your connection or bond is. Let things flow naturally
• Stop obsessing about your sexuality. It’s totally unimportant as long as you and she are enjoying each other. Sexuality fluctuates throughout people’s lifetimes, and trying to label your sexuality is silly. It could change next week anyway.
• Respect your trans dating partner and all that she has experienced.
• Respect yourself and take care of your needs too.

Happy dating.